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Showing posts from 2009

Falling from Grace.

sometimes i wonder if i really am a has been: has been loved yet has been lost again. hasnt been felt since feelings has been in.has been missed back then yet cant win.

to me, love was meant for me to put my all in, but he felt like a dropout.. didn't wanna put his all in. the more i tried to climb, the more that i was fallin. so while he came out on top, i was on the bottom crawlin

you can't tell me i'm no good. maybe i'll give you one up and say i'm damaged goods, but i chose to step my game up, thought it'd be all good. now i'm sittin here thinkin bout it all, and don't feel good.

these words would come out shakey if i spoke them aloud. i'm crying inside. and i'm not proud to expound on the reality of the pain that i've found. i'd be cool if i'd had you around.

how come everybody else's issues are so easy? for everybody's questions i have answers; i have reasons.. but as i drag my burden from season to season it grows and it …

Til-Ah-Wont-Shut-The-Fuck-Up

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Pictured: Tila showcasing all of her talents.

I'm sorry. I generally like to give people the benefit of the doubt as often as possible but Tila Tequila.. shut the hell UP!



I was following her once. I honestly think she's an awesome person. She just runs her mouth tooooo much! The first time I'd heard about her was waaay back in the day. I read about her on a magazine interview (King, I think). She was telling some story about how someone had pissed her off and she'd beat that ass, and I remember thinking that was awesome cuz she mentioned how tiny she was and I always love to see someone represent for the short folks! lol Plus I respected how she built what she had off of Myspace alone, pre-Soulja Boy, if I'm not mistaken..



Anywho, a couple years later is when her show came out and I was really into the first season. Second season.. not so much. Also, I love her song "I Love You." That's my ish.



So naturally, I followed her on Twitter when I first got the…

Fare the well..

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Yea.. it's about that time. Let's GOOOOO..

All Growed Up

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So it's about that time for me: GRADUDATION! (spelled like I'm sayin it right now lol) I'll be graduating on 14 December 2009 at the Georgia Dome at 6:30pm! (Come thru if you in the A.. afterparty at MAGIC CITY! BOW)

I've been thinking a lot about my future. Grad school? Side hustles? Boyfriend? Family? Moving away from home? I dunno what it's gonna be like. My life is about to do a serious 180.

I've been in school since I was 2 or 3 years old. That's 21, 22 years! I don't know what it's like to NOT be in school, y'know? Really working for a living, generating income, having shit in my name, paying bills.. I am about to join the workforce, and just like any transition in one's life, it's super scary. Everyone's scared of things not going how you planned it.

God makes no mistakes, though. It's important to know that whatever you go through in life, God has your back always. He doesn't put you through anything you cannot get thro…

Reach a Star

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I wrote this in about 5 minutes during a class lol.. something that was simply on my mind and I had to get it on paper ASAP.
How do you reach a star?

Do you stand on your toes?
Do you jump up and down and stretch far as you go?
Do you travel farther than a man's ever been
or invent a device that will take you to it?
Should I run and just run 'til I can't anymore?
Should I holler and yell 'til my throat gets too sore?
Maybe setting a trap will sort of coax it down
or if I shoot an arrow it'll hit the ground.

...would it make a sound?

Smoke signal, morse code, or a carrier pigeon:
some words from my heart might make it come on in
If I sit and stare at it for awhile
it'll twinkle at me. That always makes me smile.

Well..

what if I simply asked it to come down?

I'd hold it and value it as though it's LIFE
Through all of that work, and all of that strife
I went through to get you, no I'd never let you
believe for a second that I'd ever forget you

But hey.. you're a …

Miss Under Stood

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I feel like too often I am judged entirely too much. I'm sure everyone else feels the same way, but I have to say that personally, I'm SICK of it. Too many times, no matter how much positivity I expell onto you mafukkas, you all continue to insist on dwelling in the few things I do that you may find negative, or buy into lil rumors and things that you hear about me. (Which I WILL address one day, but that's another blog.)

Think about it: I mean I may get a handful of people who actually take the time out to read my blogs and my more insightful tweets and get an idea of what's in my heart and mind. To you all, I say THANK YOU! The fact that you read and give me feedback, either in the comments section or through Twitter, means a whole lot to me. More than you all can ever know. I TRULY appreciate it.

I understand that this side of me can get boring and annoying at times. I'm human...and all humans have many different sides. For instance, I like to go on webcam and tal…

What the Sam Hill?!?!

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So I was listening to Shade 45 on XM radio on the way to class today, and learned something that pissed me off pretty badly:





Apparently last night there was an airing of an Australian talent show called 'Hey Hey It's Saturday.' It's sort of like 'America's/Britain's Got Talent,' where people perform a multitude of talents in competition for money or prizes or sumthin like that.


Anyway, there was a performance by six white men doing a quote/unquote 'tribute' to Michael Jackson by performing as the 'Jackson Jive.'



Jesus take the wheel.

(CLICK THE IMAGE TO VIEW THE PERFORMANCE)
Anywho...as you can see, they performed in Blackface, followed by a 'modern-day' portrayal of Michael in whiteface. Now...here's what I have to say about all of this:

FIRST off, I want to give a HUGE shout out to Harry Connick, Jr. For those of you who don't know, this man is ranked as the 60th best selling United States male artist. He's a Grammy and …

Tweets from last night.

So I just looked at some of the things I Twittered last night, and decided to combine them into a poem to be published here. I've decided to call it "A Change of Heart." So here goes:

yet.. for some strange reason.. i cannot allow my mind to escape thoughts of you. you find your way into dreams and memories. you're a cocaine..

invading my senses.. i try to resist but my mind stays explicit.. on fire.. intrinsic..

how is this? when'd i lose control? in an instant? it must be the distance..

you are a cocaine.

sometimes, i talk to me: "why are you afraid? because of the circumstances you create? i wish it was different but hey, it's too late..

you seal your own fate. you live and you lay in YOUR bed that YOU make. and you'll make mistakes.. but its best that you learn and move on, for your sake."

so i've messed up my bed, all laid out, in my head linger thoughts of these things that we did.

if i told you all this, would you see me the same? would you l…

Comfort Zone

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To tell you what is on my mind would be revealing a large & vulnerable piece of myself The words are there, but trapped. They can't escape, so here I dwell in the abyss that is Silence. I'm deep in thought, nearly a trance Accepting what it is, what it could be...I've left it up to chance

The reality of the situation is, I believe I'm in a dreamworld of pretty colors, happy fantasies...where love always unfurls But I wonder if I choose to dwell simply cause it's so nice I do it all despite preferring daytime over night

However...what would it be like?

Are these thoughts I always hope for my daytime? Or deeper night?

I'm not depressed or lonely. I'm not falling in love Just wondering what is, what could be, and what it was

The shit's really got me stuck.

So I sit here..


And..

And I wait..

And I wonder..

............

Housing a deep desire for the truth to be unraveled somehow I'd probably wait forever, but I'd like to know right now..

Gender Roles

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WHY IS THIS SO ABNORMAL???

Looks fine to me.


In class today we discussed gender roles and how more women are working and more men are opting to help out around the house more. One guy explained that because we were 'trained' to take on certain gender roles from birth we can't help but take on our roles assigned by society. However, that sounds like an excuse to me. You're perfectly capable of changing a damn diaper and cooking dinner just like I'm capable of changing oil and mowing the damn lawn. If you're so aware of the gender roles, why can't you change them?




Most gay people were not 'trained' to be gay. Some were raised to be masculine or feminine, and end up playing the opposite role. Why can't you get your ass up and take care of the kids one day while I take out the trash & all that shit? I'm pretty sure most women would accept the switcheroo here and there.


I grew up in a household that never knew gender roles. My parents split the …

Somethin Ain't Right with the World...

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So I meant to talk about this a while ago, but I’ve been sooooo busy at school (and these KILLER EXAMS! UGH) that I just introduced my WTSH segment of my blog. But anyway, while I was on my way to school the other day, I heard something on the Frank & Wanda show on V-103 that was so disturbing I had to exclaim ‘OH MY GOD!’ out loud and almost cried. It is a sad, sad day when the spawn of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Coretta Scott King (whom Frank Ski called ‘OUR first family’) take each other to court. And the things that I heard…ladies and gentlemen Dr. & Mrs. King have to be turning over in their graves right now.

As it turns out, a bunch of personal items of Dr. & Mrs. King were found, including a collection of love letters mailed between them back BEFORE Dr. King became who he was. Back when he was courting Mrs. King. Apparently, their oldest son, Dexter, wants to PUBLISH these letters, as well as get some book, autobiography, AND movie deals going.

Dexter King.

I’m not…

What the Sam Hill???

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So I decided to do a feature on my blog called 'What the Sam Hill?' For those of ya'll that don't know, that's a country term for 'What the hell?' lol

Anyway this is the very first 'WTSH' entry. It is a woman on divorce court who is divorcing her husband for being 'TOO NICE,' as she put it.


CLICK THE PHOTO TO SEE THE VIDEOI don't understand it. I haven't heard this much ignorance since my homegirl said the same thing to me that this lady is saying a few years ago. I set her up with a friend of mine and she ended up breaking it off because he wasn't 'mean' enough to her. Whenever they argued, and she was right, he would...omg...SAY that he was wrong! She literally said she wanted to get cussed out and called a bitch from time to time. For real, ladies? I'ma need all the ladies to step their games up immediately. This is SAD.

Like...seriously???

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Look at him...with all his awesomeness.
I'm extremely irritated about the big controversy of the day: Obama's Back to School Speech. I dunno what's going on in other parts of the country, but in the South they actin like Obama is gonna tell the kids to do something crazy and dumb like...um...continuing to drop outta school early and having babies outta wedlock or sittin in class not knowing what the fuck the teacher is talking about and cheating on these dumb ass standardized tests to get by. You know...the same shit they been doin.

For those of you who don't know, in GA, Forsyth county is refusing to show the speech in their schools, while some other counties are opting to leave the decision to parents.

All he's going to say is 'STAY IN SCHOOL!!!' This is the type of message we wanna keep from our kids? SERIOUSLY???

I was listening to Frank Ski on V-103 this morning and he made the greatest point ever: I don't recall schools ever asking the parents permis…

RIP

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So I just heard the news about DJ AM. As of right now, I'm checking TMZ frequently cuz they keep updating every few minutes or so. As of right now the body still hasn't been removed from the apartment, according to TMZ. RIP Man... DJ AM's last Twitter message: 25 August 4:57pm
SO as with all the deaths displayed heavily in the media last year, as well as with the non-celebrity deaths I've dealt with, I've been heavily reflecting on life. The death that had the biggest impact on me was the death of my grandfather on 1 June. Some of ya'll saw me lose it through Twitter, because I got the news when I was alone in my house. I had spoken to my sister but she was at work. My grandfather at the time was showing signs of dementia, and he was suffering. One of his sisters had to be with him at all times so he wouldn't wander out of the house. He was scared because he kept forgetting where he was, even in his own house and even once while he was driving home. He had m…

HAPPINESS VS. THE GOOD LIFE...

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When my aunt came to visit us a few months ago, she was asking me about what I wanted to do after I graduated college (December `09 WOOOO). I told her that I wanted to work in youth services, mentoring and counselling youth...especially underpriviledged and troubled youth. She went on to tell me about her job (a govt. job...I think she works for the FBI somehow) and how she made really good money. She was telling me that she would help me get a job like hers if I wanted to opt out of what I was doing, because her job pays WAY more money, and I should shoot for more money. I wouldn't really like the job, but I would be striving for financial independence & stability, which is, ultimately, more important.
That may be rational for her, and I definitely respect that, because she IS doing very well right now, but I just cannot do that. I am the type that if I don't like what I'm doing, more than likely I'm just NOT gonna do it very well LOL. Ya'll see me on Twitter j…

Personal Problem

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This is me right now. But Black. LOL


So if you know me, you know that it's pretty hard to get me really mad. I've learned over time that there is too much to smile about, too much positivity, too many blessings bestowed upon me for me to get angry and upset over menial things. That extra stress is very unnecessary.
However, I do have a personal issue. I DO tend to get stressed out sometimes, but I recognize that it is nobody's fault but my own. The only time this really happens is when I repress what I want to express...and harbor it inside until it becomes such a heavy weight on my shoulders that it becomes unbearably painful.
Yea, I know that this may sound surprising to those that check the webshow and/or follow me on Twitter, but sometimes, I am afraid to say what's on my mind. For some, this may not be very surprising at all lol. I usually end up quite depressed because of this. When all I have to do is simply say what's on my mind, I get scared. I freeze up.
I d…

BITCH...check ya MAN, not me.

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I get so sick and tired of hearing females yellin & screamin about 'beatin this bitch ass' because HER man fucked the chick. Has it ever occured to you that yea...that man...over there...is the ONLY one you need to be mad at? Walk with me here:

Say you had, like...50 chicks all going after your man at the same time, and your man was willingly fucking all of them. Are you REALLY ready and willing to fight all those bitches? Like seriously...think about it. I mean what do you think you're doing? 'Protecting' your man? Psh, whatever.

NOW say that you checked your man and did all the shit you're supposed to do as his woman. Now, when these 50 bitches are all in your man's face, he's brushing them all off like 'Nah, I got a girl.' OMG look at that! You don't have to do a DAMN thing because your man is doing wtf he's SUPPOSED to be doing as your man in the FIRST damn place!!! Way easier to check ONE man instead of 50 bitches that you probabl…

Misconceptions about Military Families (We ain't Rich!)

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I am an Army brat, born in Germany and have been in a military family until 2005, when my dad finally retired lol. He did 23 years and my mom did 12 years. So I know a lil bit about military life.

How many people think that military people are all friggin loaded and are just dumbstupid ballin outta control? WELL ladies and gentlemen, I have news for you: you are dead WRONG, my friends. The truth is, yes, military people do get paid SLIGHTLY better than your average fast food employee... (NO diss to fast food employees. I myself worked at Burger King for years.)

HOWEVER..if we aren't smart with our money, we could easily end up in the poor house.

Some of you reading may have been to my crib in North Atlanta before and people swear up and down that we're rich. The fact that my parents are retired military seems to drive the point home, but let me tell you something: my mother worked her ASS off for me. I know plenty of military people that would spend that check up on nonsense and…

Welcome to the Essence of Essence.

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My name, as you've probably already guessed, is Essence. Currently I attend Georgia State University pursuing a Sociology degree which I will have by this December (knockonwood) WOOOO lol. I'm a part time waitress and full time internet addict. I also am very passionate and feel as though I have a lot to say. And I USED to say it through various journal entries and the art of poetry, etc. But I stopped a long time ago.

Sooooooo I think that I've kinda lost touch with a part of myself when I stopped writing, and I feel like I need to get it started again. PLUS I also think that people have misconceptions about me. I, like everyone else, am constantly judged and I'm hoping that a better understanding of me will be gained through this blog. I'm also hoping I will have the time to keep up with this blog regularly. I feel like I veered off a path I was on and decided to turn around and get on the one I was travelling previously. For those that decide to step on with me,…