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28 January 2017

First Month of Unemployment.

These last few weeks have been weird because it's been like a whirlwind but a standstill at the same time. I've been in California for the last month and a half. I go back to GA in a few days, and I'm honestly not ready.. but I have to go home and adult.

Miss you already!

I was hoping to have some sort of plan implemented by now, but all Sidney and I have really been doing is relaxing and having fun. Right now, mom-in-law has the baby. She came to pick him up a few minutes ago so she could run errands with her sister and introduce her grandchild to some people. It's been like this the entire time we've been in Cali, and I haven't felt this much peace since before I got pregnant. We've taken trips to San Diego, Rancho Cucamonga, Vegas.. hell even a trip down to the mall feels like a vacation when you don't have to worry about the baby. We were supposed to be in LA right now, but Sidney is under the weather, so I figured I'd hit ya'll with an update, if ya'll care. 

1Oak in Vegas last weekend

As far as the business goes, we've been hitting crossroad after crossroad. We settled on a business, but at this point we're not sure if we should move forward with that, or marijuana because that may be easier, or what. To keep it all the way real, conversations have come up of us just saying fxck everything and just leaving the country altogether. This feeling of impending doom.. the tension that's hovering over USA lately is too thick to ignore. Not sure if it's something we really need to fear or if the media, and social media, is just out to scare us, but shxt will hit the fan either way. Should we just be proactive and get the fxck outta dodge? idk.

I'm learning that implementation is the hardest part of this process. All the second guessing and overthinking is holding us (mostly me) back from taking that first step. Is this the right choice? What if we put our money into this and it doesn't work? What if this happens, or that happens? It's pretty frustrating for me to know that, after all these years, I still don't know how to get out of my own damn head.

It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

At the same time, this IS supposed to be a vacation. Maybe I should have waited until we got back to GA before I even tried to think about it.

Anyway, there are things that are higher on the priority list right now anyway. Health insurance is a headache all by itself. I've never had to shop for it on my own. I've always had it through my parents or my employer so I'm over this process. I got health insurance for us but I'm not sure I made the right choice so I'm still shopping. I also have to do my taxes. Adulting is hard.

We also need to rent the rest of the rooms in our house. This is tricky because we will still live there; we'll be back and forth between there and Cali, so we have to be kind of picky. SO.. if you or someone you know is looking for a room to rent in the Powder Springs area, you can contact me through any of my social media pages. We are pretty laid back BUT we do have a 1-year-old child so we have to draw the line somewhere. lol.

Pictured: On his best behavior. 

For the sake of not drawing this post out any longer, I will stop here. Shoot me a comment and let me know what you think.

05 December 2016

Two weeks to go!

It is Monday, 5 December 2016. The time is now 2:16pm.

Life has been a whirlwind and I haven't even officially left my job yet. 

I'm sitting here at my desk, with an intern that has been assigned to help me get my workload together before I leave. He's sitting here doing nothing because, quite frankly, I don't have anything that I want him to do. 

It's not like I don't have work to do. I have 2 weeks left, and I actually have a bit of a workload in front of me. However, on Friday, my job disabled my email. This morning, I came in to discover that they disabled my login for my computer. They disabled my account to get into the system that I use for work.

So, I promptly disabled a large number of the fxcks I have left. 

I was fully prepared to sit at this desk and do nothing, BUT it is not within my nature to give NO fxcks. (Does that make sense? lol) I went ahead and notified mgmt to get my accounts back.

And now I'm blogging. 

"Thinking of a master plan."

Anyway, I am 10 working days away from the rest of my life. And I still have no solid plan, but things are promising!

Sidney and I have been juggling around a bunch of ideas, but it all seems to revolve around us opening a business for ourselves. We've considered buying a franchise, opening some sort of sports bar or lounge, even something that neither of us has any experience in, like a dance studio (lol). Of course, there's also the idea of moving to California and taking advantage of these impending recreational marijuana laws. And I'll know if my wine is good enough to try to sell by next month. I mean, the possibilities are really endless. You can really make money doing anything out here, as long as you are willing to put in the work.

For now, I'm still too hung up at work to fully concentrate on life AFTER work. Isn't that sad? I still have to get up at 6-something am and fight traffic every day. I'm running around even more than usual because of all of these tasks they want me to hurry up and complete in the next 2 weeks. Plus there's my son, who will be ONE YEAR OLD next week! I'm exhausted, man. 

Pictured: The only time he has some chill
SnapChat: EssenceATL

I've said it before, I am SO looking forward to just going to the West Coast and relaxing for a little while. We're only supposed to be there for 2 weeks but fxck it, we may extend our stay into the entire month of January. Why not? I'll be able to really focus and get my mind right. Get some energy in me.

In the meantime, I've vented enough. I wanted to give an update on where my thoughts are with 2 weeks to go. If any of you have any ideas on the direction my family and I should go, feel free to hit me with some suggestions in the comments. 

28 October 2016

Life after the letter.

So here I am, a week and some change after turning in my resignation. I'm not sure what I was expecting but what I CAN say is that I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me.

The blog and the announcement was sort of a shock to some. Mostly coworkers. A lot of folks just weren't surprised. Of course, the rumor mill spread. A few people (i.e. those who never read my last blog) assumed the pressure and stress of the job is running me away. Nope.. I could handle the job just fine.. if my heart was still in it.

Anyway, ever since I got the email saying my resignation has been accepted I have found myself a bit lighter on my feet as I stroll the hallways of my job. It's easier for me to deal with parts of the job that I was having a hard time dealing with before. I'm able to speak my mind easier. I can say things to my supervisors that I was too intimidated to say before. I find myself wondering: "Where was all of this energy and confidence before?"

Now that I'm making my exit, I guess I feel like it doesn't matter what I say at this point. Respectfully, of course. I would never intentionally disrespect anyone, but the fear of saying the wrong thing is gone because hell, what does it matter now? I'm on the way out! In the meantime, it's business as usual. Counting down to 16 December 2016!



In other news, I still don't have a solid plan, and I'm afraid of that as well. Sidney, of course, is very optimistic about everything. No matter what direction we decide to go in, we'll be alright. Worst-case scenario, it doesn't work out and I have to go back to work! We're just taking it a day at a time. We have a couple of things in the works and we are getting the ball rolling. For right now, I'm just looking forward to spending Christmas and New Years on the West Coast.

Blue skies and high desert.

Sidney Jr.'s first birthday is coming up as well. Personally, I'm not big on the idea of a grand extravaganza for a 1-year-old. I'm not sure if I'm even going to have a party. The only thing I'm excited about is the smash cake! I was talking to Sr. not too long ago and was thinking maybe we should invite some people over just to watch what he does with it and call it a day. I never saw myself making too big of an effort for my child's birthday.. at least not until his 5th birthday, at the earliest. It's cool to have the pics and the memories but I just can't see myself spending the money for something that is essentially more for other people than it is for my child, not counting gifts, of course.

This will NOT be me

I've been told by several people that I should consider revamping my YouTube channel. I would love to do that but between actually recording the vids and editing I don't know when I'd have the time right now. I swear, when you're a working mom, there is literally zero time to do anything except work and mom. I'm not sure which direction I should go in anyway. Some say I should switch over to a Mommy vlog, which I think is a good idea. I have other things I'd like to use my channel to touch on as well, so I'm still deciding. I guess for now I'll use it the same way I'm using this blog: as a journal to talk about whatever's on my mind until I can figure something else out.

Moral of the story is: It's been over a week and the Earth has not shifted at all. When it comes to the act of actually turning in my resignation, I'm not sure what I have been afraid of all this time. I'm sure that when my new life settles into whatever it is that it is going to become, I'll be saying the same thing.

I'm ready!

17 October 2016

So I quit my job today..

.. or rather, submitted a letter of resignation.

When I've said that I've been feeling a change coming, this is one of those major things I was talking about. I've been dealing with being unhappy for a long time now. It's not necessarily the job itself, but a JOB IN GENERAL. I sit at this desk every weekday of my life and daydream about a different type of life. I try to work on other endeavors while I'm off, but even something as simple as a hobby is damn near impossible because when I'm not at work, I have mommy duties. When I don't have mommy duties, I'm at work. Sometimes those two things loop into each other. And when I have a moment to have a break from both all I'm trying to do is REST.

I thank God every day that I was able to land a great-paying job at a respected agency right out of college. I was hired before I even graduated, which was a huge blessing and I am very proud of that accomplishment. I was convinced that I was going to be the world's greatest teacher and have my students visiting me years and years later because I had such a significant impact on their lives. Times have changed, however. The educational system is not what it was back then. The chances of me having that type of impact lessened with every year as my heart and mind started to slowly become disconnected from this life that I was living.

I've been here for seven years and, to be quite transparent, I feel dead. I find myself in zombie mode 99% of my life. I'm on autopilot so much I can't tell you what I was doing a couple of days ago, unless I base it off of what I do every day: Go to work, go home, chase the baby, go to sleep, repeat. I'm coasting through my days. I am literally wasting my life.

I've overheard people around me talking about how they're getting ready to retire.. 20+ years of service at their particular 9-5 and now they're in their 60s and 70s finally getting ready to wrap it up. It put things into perspective for me. I don't want to wake up one day and look in the mirror and be 60-something.. and NOW I'm getting ready to stop working and NOW I get to really rest and travel and see the world and etc etc. I would never forgive myself if that became my reality.

I've been telling myself, literally for years, that I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. That I'm not built for the bottom of the totem pole. That I don't want to work for somebody else forever. Then the school year ends and I tell myself "One more year."

"Let me work one more year and see what happens."

The fxck was I expecting to happen?

This year, I finally made the real decision that this "one more year" was REALLY going to be "one more year." But I needed a plan. What's the plan? What do you want to do? Where are you going to go? What's next? The fear that came with attempting to answer those questions alone would have inevitably lead to my "one more year" rolling over into a few more "one more years."

Then I started to see the signs. God held a mirror to me and began to show me, myself. Who I had the potential to be. How staying somewhere I kept promising myself I would leave is impacting my health. My family.

I am anchored here.

My fiance wanted to go to California to visit his family for 2 weeks, but he couldn't take the baby because he's breastfed and my next break isn't until December. Because of my job, my family is anchored here.

Small breaks aren't cutting it anymore. I can break for a week or two, travel or take a cruise and come back even more tired than before.

Even if I was making $200,000 a year, and I wanted to take a trip to, say, Japan.. I couldn't. You can't TRULY visit a place like Japan for a weekend, or even a week or two. You're limited to tourist traps and small-scale adventures. It may as well still be America! If I'm spending money to go there, I'm going for a month, at least. I will never be able to take a vacation for a month. Hell, I can't even spend 3 weeks in Savannah, because I am ANCHORED here.

So "one more year" had to become "right now."

The moral of the story is, it's time to stop putting it off.

I am sick of telling myself that I want better for me and my family, yet somehow ending up right back into the same poisonous cycle that is the 9 to 5.

Am I 100% sure what's next for me and my family? HELL nah. I have no idea.

Am I afraid? I am scared. Shxt. Less.

But I'd rather be here than looking into the mirror at 60-something wondering why I never listened to my heart at 31.

And my family will prosper a whole lot more with a mom and a wife who is physically and mentally PRESENT, rather than one who comes home from her "good" job every day miserable as fxck because I can't shake the fact that my life is supposed to go in a different direction.

Whatever I end up doing, the journey will be documented. I want my story to be told. Whether it's 2 people or 20 or 2000 or 2 million, somebody out there has GOT to feel me!

Life begins again at the top of 2017! Here we go..


27 September 2016

I need a hobby..

Part of this whole "lack of fulfillment" thing for me is the mind-numbing repetitiveness of being forced to do the exact same thing day in and day out. Go to work, go home, entertain the baby, go to sleep, repeat. Find a place to occupy the baby's time on weekends. It sucks, in all honesty. This is the reality of it.

My fiance is always telling me that I can do anything I want to do and be successful at it, and I'm always telling him that I don't have anything I really enjoy doing. However, in retrospect I guess there are a whole lot of things I like doing.

One of those things is wine. I like to have wine.

Actual photo representation of Sidney and I. #Goals


For my birthday this year, I went out to Tennessee and experienced my first wine-tasting. Five bucks for a glass and a myriad of wines to try. Can't beat it!

I was surprised and excited to learn that wine is made with many different types of fruits besides wine. This should have been obvious now that I think about it, but the thought never occurred to me. I tried wine made from apples, muscadines, cherries, and blueberries. Some of those wines were even more delicious than wines made from grapes!

I started to do some research and learned you can even make wine with veggies and flowers, if you wanted. The possibilities are endless.

So, I have decided to learn how to make wine in my spare time. It's surprisingly easy, albeit time-consuming. I read up on the process and watched a lot of YouTube tutorials. (YouTube can teach you anything. Who needs school?) Then, I ordered a kit off of Amazon and started the process.

Snapchat: EssenceATL

The point of this post was do document this new journey I'm taking. If there is anyone interested in how I made the wine, I'll post my step-by-step process, but other than that I'll just let you know how it goes over the next few months. You have to allow the wine to ferment for at least 4 months before you can drink it so I'll talk to ya'll about it then! In the meantime, I ordered a couple more jugs ("carboy" is the technical term) so that I can experiment with a few more batches made with different fruits. I started with strawberry, and now I plan to try blackberry, blueberry, and possibly mango! I'll keep ya'll posted!


09 September 2016

Can Anyone Hear Me?!

What do you do when you're torn between what you want to do and what you're "supposed" to do?

By "supposed," I mean something you may have been conditioned to do your entire life. School, for example. You know from the time you are young that you're "supposed" to go to school and get good grades. Maybe people at your school and your family are emphasizing the importance of continuing your education by going to college so that you can get a good job and start a career. Then, you decide that you don't want anything to do with school. Do you stay to appease everyone around you? Do you risk doing something "else"? There are folks out there may not understand your choices. There may be a risk that these people will never forgive you for these choices? Or maybe they will judge you.. think you're dumb or something. Is your opinion really the only one that matters here? It's your life, right?

RIGHT?

I'm walking my journey right now and I am seeing so many forks and crossroads ahead and the fear is so real. I feel it every day. I've spent my whole life allowing others to drive my decisions. So much so that I've lost track of what it is that I want for myself. 

Hm..

Unfortunately, it's too late for me. Now I have a family, so it's no longer about me. Now things are even more complicated, but I'm even more motivated to make whatever change this is that I need to change. I'm motivated to do it without considering the influences around me. 

Just because I'm motivated, however, doesn't mean I have gathered the strength. 
Mood.

This is one of those instances where my mind is racing and I just need to get my thoughts out where I can see them. To me, it seems like a jumbled mess of uncertainty but maybe somebody out there feels me. 

Thoughts?


03 September 2016

Life Updates..

So I'm currently headed somewhere up into the mountains of Tennessee for some (hopeful) rest & relaxation while on this work holiday. Also, My birthday is tomorrow. I will be 31. I'm fxcking old.

I said in my last post I'd give y'all an update on my life, so here it is:

First of all, I continued my education after GA State and got my Master's at Clark Atlanta University. During that time I was still super active on YouTube, even having my videos featured on an app called Urban Gossip once a week! However, a couple weeks before finals, my computer crashed. All my notes and papers for school, along with video footage for my channel, GONE. I graduated anyway (magna cum laude!) but never posted another vid again.

I'm still at the same job. I started as a Bus Monitor/Substitute, did that for a year then moved up to Early Head Start Teacher. Specifically, I was in the 2-year-old classroom. I did that for like 5 years and I am now entering into my second year as a Family Services Assistant. I work with four other FSAs and the job is no joke. It's basically a Social Worker who has gone insane and decided to take over 18 other people's jobs. In a nutshell.

We may or may not have killed those 18 other people first.


Also, my ex-fiance and the subject of more than a few of the poems in the archives of this very blog, came waltzing back into my life a few years ago. He has since packed up his life to move here to GA. We are now engaged AGAIN, and have an entire little human that we made. His name is Sidney Jr. and he is almost 9 months. We live in a little house off in the cut somewhere in Powder Springs.


That's my boy!

Overall, I think, my life is pretty fxcking sweet. As I approach my 31st birthday, however, I find myself reevaluating my entire existence. This is why I decided to blog again. I have something that I need to figure out. I'm not sure what it is yet, but I'm sure that whatever it is, it needs to be documented! Something big is coming around the horizon, my friends. And I want you all here when I, with the help of my gorgeous family, decide what that is.

For now, I plan to enjoy my 31st birthday lost up in these mountains. Enjoy your Labor Day!