This is my brain on.. deep.

It dawned on me last night that I'm sort of missing being in a relationship. It also dawned on me that I spend a lot of time blaming everyone else for the fact that I'm single, and while I still believe that is partly true, I came to the realization that yes.. it's my fault too. I think I house FEAR.

I found myself wondering: What the hell is the REAL reason why I'm single? I've been single over 4 years now. I didn't know myself then. I thought I knew myself now, but now I'm not so sure. Have I found myself? Am I the new, confident Essence I always wanted to be? Am I really? Or am I still holding myself back. What the fuck am I afraid of??

One thing I DO know is that I should be more than willing to go above and beyond for the one I'm with, but I think I'm so afraid of NOT getting the same in return, I still have this defiant thing going on. I was always pushing the envelope and putting every ounce of my power into keeping "us" alive.. whoever "we" were at the time.. only to look up and realize I was the only one pulling the wagon while he was just sitting on top of it. Going through that again scares the shit out of me.

I'm well aware that when love comes, I'm not gonna expect it. It's not supposed to be expected. It's supposed to hit you like a ton of bricks.. POW! Like.. when the fuck did I fall in love with you, dude? So.. I know that "love" is the ONE word that you cannot speak into existence. I do think about it a lot, though. I can't help it. There are guys that are never on my mind who frequently try and ease their way into my life.. and there are guys that are constantly on my mind that never give me the time of fucking day. But isn't that always how it is? All I'm waiting on is that ONE mutual attraction.




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