So I quit my job today..

.. or rather, submitted a letter of resignation.

When I've said that I've been feeling a change coming, this is one of those major things I was talking about. I've been dealing with being unhappy for a long time now. It's not necessarily the job itself, but a JOB IN GENERAL. I sit at this desk every weekday of my life and daydream about a different type of life. I try to work on other endeavors while I'm off, but even something as simple as a hobby is damn near impossible because when I'm not at work, I have mommy duties. When I don't have mommy duties, I'm at work. Sometimes those two things loop into each other. And when I have a moment to have a break from both all I'm trying to do is REST.

I thank God every day that I was able to land a great-paying job at a respected agency right out of college. I was hired before I even graduated, which was a huge blessing and I am very proud of that accomplishment. I was convinced that I was going to be the world's greatest teacher and have my students visiting me years and years later because I had such a significant impact on their lives. Times have changed, however. The educational system is not what it was back then. The chances of me having that type of impact lessened with every year as my heart and mind started to slowly become disconnected from this life that I was living.

I've been here for seven years and, to be quite transparent, I feel dead. I find myself in zombie mode 99% of my life. I'm on autopilot so much I can't tell you what I was doing a couple of days ago, unless I base it off of what I do every day: Go to work, go home, chase the baby, go to sleep, repeat. I'm coasting through my days. I am literally wasting my life.

I've overheard people around me talking about how they're getting ready to retire.. 20+ years of service at their particular 9-5 and now they're in their 60s and 70s finally getting ready to wrap it up. It put things into perspective for me. I don't want to wake up one day and look in the mirror and be 60-something.. and NOW I'm getting ready to stop working and NOW I get to really rest and travel and see the world and etc etc. I would never forgive myself if that became my reality.

I've been telling myself, literally for years, that I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. That I'm not built for the bottom of the totem pole. That I don't want to work for somebody else forever. Then the school year ends and I tell myself "One more year."

"Let me work one more year and see what happens."

The fxck was I expecting to happen?

This year, I finally made the real decision that this "one more year" was REALLY going to be "one more year." But I needed a plan. What's the plan? What do you want to do? Where are you going to go? What's next? The fear that came with attempting to answer those questions alone would have inevitably lead to my "one more year" rolling over into a few more "one more years."

Then I started to see the signs. God held a mirror to me and began to show me, myself. Who I had the potential to be. How staying somewhere I kept promising myself I would leave is impacting my health. My family.

I am anchored here.

My fiance wanted to go to California to visit his family for 2 weeks, but he couldn't take the baby because he's breastfed and my next break isn't until December. Because of my job, my family is anchored here.

Small breaks aren't cutting it anymore. I can break for a week or two, travel or take a cruise and come back even more tired than before.

Even if I was making $200,000 a year, and I wanted to take a trip to, say, Japan.. I couldn't. You can't TRULY visit a place like Japan for a weekend, or even a week or two. You're limited to tourist traps and small-scale adventures. It may as well still be America! If I'm spending money to go there, I'm going for a month, at least. I will never be able to take a vacation for a month. Hell, I can't even spend 3 weeks in Savannah, because I am ANCHORED here.

So "one more year" had to become "right now."

The moral of the story is, it's time to stop putting it off.

I am sick of telling myself that I want better for me and my family, yet somehow ending up right back into the same poisonous cycle that is the 9 to 5.

Am I 100% sure what's next for me and my family? HELL nah. I have no idea.

Am I afraid? I am scared. Shxt. Less.

But I'd rather be here than looking into the mirror at 60-something wondering why I never listened to my heart at 31.

And my family will prosper a whole lot more with a mom and a wife who is physically and mentally PRESENT, rather than one who comes home from her "good" job every day miserable as fxck because I can't shake the fact that my life is supposed to go in a different direction.

Whatever I end up doing, the journey will be documented. I want my story to be told. Whether it's 2 people or 20 or 2000 or 2 million, somebody out there has GOT to feel me!

Life begins again at the top of 2017! Here we go..


Comments

  1. I'm in the same position I most definitely understand where you are coming from

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  2. Yaaayyyyyyyy!!!!! You did it!!!!! We were just talking about that the other day!!!!! I'm so happy and proud of you boo! God makes no mistakes and he got your back all of the time. I'm so excited about your future endeavors. Now go take that 2 month vacation we were talking about abs have a blast'!!'

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  3. Good for you Es...your happiness does not stem from anyone else, but YOU. Many people do not have that type of courage you display. You have a beautiful family and I wish you nothing, but the best. SANTANA♡

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  4. Though I will miss you. I know exactly where your coming from. I feel the same way. #LIVE#DREAM#ACCOMPLISH wish you the best. Nelson 👍🏽👍🏽🙏🏽

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  5. Good read, I'm in the process of looking for something new and trying to hold off so I can collect a bonus check. But I'm clearly not happy. I'm thankfull for being able to see all over the US but it's definitely time for a chnage..

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  6. Yeeees! I totally understand where you are coming from....

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  7. Yes! If God is for you, who can be against you?! That's a word!

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