Missing Pieces

Deep in thought.
Pictured: My life.

Sometimes realizations will hit you at the most spontaneous moment. I'm blessed, that's a given. I'm living and breathing.. healthy. Eating well, living well. There are people who love me. I have a high school diploma and 2 college degrees, AND got a job doing exactly what I wanted to do: Teach. On top of that, I make pretty good money.. enough to pay all the bills I have now. I have wonderful, loyal friends and close family. Plus about 300 kids who love me as well! Whenever I'm at work and not in a good mood, all I have to do is walk into any classroom and get a hug. Instant lifted spirit.  :o)

Bottom line is, some things just aren't right in my life. Despite all of the positive things I have going on in my life, I still feel imbalanced. Incomplete. I still find myself sad sometimes. I have these recurring troublesome dreams. Not really nightmares, but just dreams that wake me up and leave me thinking. Disturbed.

I don't know why my mind cannot wrap itself around the fact that I am too blessed to be stressed like this. What in the hell is missing out of my life that I can't shake this off?

Do I need to veer off onto another path? Do I need love (or at least a boyfriend)? Are there people that I need to make peace with? Or.. simply speak to? Do I need to move out? Do I need to go back to chasing a dream instead of pursuing a career?

I really, REALLY don't know.

I wrote a poem back in December 2009 and I said:


"God is great, but I need him to feed me these pieces.

where are You now that Your guidance is needed?

i'll wait 'til You're ready, but geez i'm defeated. This puzzle is deep and I just need to reap it

let it go? or keep it?

really, the answer's simple, but my eyes just won't open."


How true is that right now? Sometimes, I feel like the answer is right in front of my face, but I'm either missing all the signs that point to it or somewhere deep in my heart I'm just choosing not to acknowlege it.

I love me, and I'm as confident as they come (now). I've been broken down so much in the past that attempts to do so now just kinda go over my head. I just can't shake the fact that things are just not flowing completely the way they should. My life is like the universe's largest puzzle.

Anywho, it was on my mind heavy, so I had to write about it.

Comments

  1. rbizzleMay 23, 2010 at 1:41 PM

    This is a great blog, Ess. Honestly, it seems like u are just human. There are goin to be trials & tribulations even when you're doing everything right. It's just...life. but u have to be at peace w/ what u have accomplished and not feel regret for what u have done, could've done, or will do.

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  2. AnonymousMay 23, 2010 at 2:09 PM

    HELLO frCLEVE.OH,Good blog,From time to time we all need to veer off the path were on just to feel alive.It's always a good idea to reconnect with "old friends" just to know or find out they are just as normal/crazy as you are.#lovelifebecause there's nothing else.LIVE UNSCRIPTED!

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  3. BrooklynMay 23, 2010 at 2:10 PM

    Wow ess!!! For starters i love you poem! But the one part that stuck out to methe most iswhen you said "Sometimes, I feel like the answer is right in front of my face, but I'm either missing all the signs that point to it or somewhere deep in my heart I'm just choosing not to acknowlege it." I remember my bishop said a couple of weeks ago that god is sendign small signs to all his pol and that your spirit need to be in tune with him becuase if not then you will miss it! Not saying that your spirit isnt intune with him but MAYBE your seeing the signs but your not understanding them. Maybe its tie to have a conversation with god and ask him for understanding on whats going on. Im postive he will give you the answer no doubt! Your a freat person with a great heart! Your going to go dar! This is just a minor hurdle that you have to get over afterthat sky is the limit! Love ya ess!!!

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