To Be or Not To Be.. Celibate?

Wait a sec.. that's not right..

As some of you all know (and some of you don't know) I took a vow of celibacy on 1 January 2008 that lasted nearly a year and a half. At the time, I was depressed, held nothing in my heart but self-hatred. I didn't even like looking in mirrors because I hated having to face myself. I thought that I needed other people to make me feel special, especially a man. I was engaged at the age of 20, and single by the age of 22. I've been single since, but still felt like I needed a man to feel complete. I couldn't be satisfied with myself. Even though I involved myself (aka had sex with) 2 other people after I broke my engagement, and even though I was happier without my fiance, I was still unhappy with myself. I realized that sex and men weren't the answer. Not to mention, all of the sex I'd had at the time SUCKED. I'd never even had an orgasm before. Nothing was worth it. I was WEAK. Finally, I said "fuck this" and my "No Dick in `08" Campaign begain.

I wanted to encourage people, and myself, that sex doesn't define relationships. I started doing live broadcasts and debating with boys and encouraging girls. I wanted someone who was going to LOVE me, not love the pussy, and I wanted the same for women everywhere. During this time, I definitely learned who were genuine and really real: NOBODY. Sometimes, I'd let it be known right off the bat that I was celibate, and men would run for the hills. Cowards. Pussies. Boys in men's clothing. At the same time, however, I was beginning to feel embarrassed and frustrated. Do I HAVE to fuck you to get to know you? I didn't get it.

Personally, though, I was making a change. Internally and externally. I cut my hair. I got rid of my acne. I got my braces removed. I found God and developed my relationship with Him. I realized that the only person that can make me feel good about me was ME, and screw what everyone else thought. I learned who my friends were, and who they weren't. I realized who really loved me. I realized that for the first time in my ENTIRE life, Essence loved Essence.

Then my body taught me a new lesson:

The flesh is weak.

Eventually, I allowed my body to override my mind. This time around, though, things were different. I was having orgasms. I knew what GOOD sex felt like, for the first time.

Everything was all good.. but the better things were looking on the outside, the more I started coming down on the inside.

Like a high.

Somewhere down the road in 2009, I started losing myself again. I'd been getting a lot of the things I wanted, but parts of my heart remain empty.

Pictured: My heart. Currently.

Mirrors are slowly beginning to become my enemy again. Men are no longer talking. They're hunting. They're foaming at the mouth and treating me like prey.. showcasing general disrespect, and I'm just letting it slide.

I was happier when I was celibate. I respected myself. I feel as though I'm turning my back on me again. Plus, I'm looking around and seeing that nobody else respects me, either. I'm walking backwards. I'm compromising myself.

Weakening.

It's time to get me back.

Do I think there's something wrong with sex before love or marriage? Not at all. I know some people who are very sexually liberated and unattached and are doing just fine. I am a different entity. My heart and my mind cannot deal with it. I knew this before I broke my celibacy, but because I was making such awesome changes in my life, I thought I could handle it. I still love me and I'm still confident in me, but my heart craves love with sex. Even though I never had an orgasm with my fiance during sex, I was in love, and didn't really care. I only started to care after realizing that our relationship wasn't working.. after I began to fall out of love.

I know that I cannot handle a casual sexual relationship. I've never been able to. My heart is too large.. it gets too involved. It always gets complicated. I always lose. I need to be involved with a man that I can give my heart to.. who can cherish and appreciate it as invaluable. A man who is willing to share every part of his being with me. You can't find all of that in a penis or a vagina.

In a world of Beckys and Bedrocks, one could say I'm up the creek without a paddle on this quest, but quite frankly I don't give a fuck. I know what I deserve, what all women deserve, and I refuse to settle for less than that. I see it, and if no one else in this world sees it that's okay too. If no other woman in the world sees it for herself, God bless her. With His help, she'll see it one day. For now, I gotta do what I feel is right for me, and based on what I know about me and how my life has been, turning back to celibacy would be my best option. I have a lot to think about, and pray about. I just know that I'm not losing any more of me. God will show me the way to get myself back and to have these empty parts of my heart refilled. That I am confident of.

Thoughts?