I'm still feeling unfulfilled? I think..
You ever feel unfulfilled even though you feel like you ARE fulfilled and should be fulfilled? Well, that's how I feel. Already I'm feeling like maybe I should try something different. Let me explain:
Right now I've been living my dream. I've known since I was a child that I wanted to work with children. (Either that or animals, but I hate biology so animal doctor.. no. lol) I busted my ass in school working for the degrees I have. Almost gave up on school a few times for no reason other than just being TIRED. Got KICKED OUT of the Georgia State University Early Childhood Education program over some bullshit and STILL kept going and ended up graduating a whole year earlier than I would have been graduating had I stayed with that program and.. guess what? STILL doing what I was trying to do: Teach early childhood.
I love my job and while it is not moving along as quickly as I had hoped, I still come into work every single day because I love it and I'm learning more every day. Not too many folks come out of college with a job already lined up. (I interned there my last semester and had a job interview before finals, hired before graduation KABOOM)
And yet.. I'm already thinking maybe I should be doing something different right now. And I'm pissed off at myself.
I had a conversation with my best friend and sister Nika yesterday. We were eating & sipping margaritas at a Mexican restaurant and she started talking about how much potential she has to do big things and the world better watch out cuz she's on the way to reaching that potential. (Which I definitely agree with!) Then, out of nowhere, she switched the conversation to me. How my "gift of gab" has the potential to reach people and create awareness. She used the blog I wrote about her and Lupus as an example. Apparently a lot of folks that didn't understand her, or other folks with Lupus, understood after reading my blog. And apparently there are things that I say that have an impact on people.
I started thinking about all the opportunities I've missed. I used to have HUGE dreams. I used to want to be a singer. I was in somebody's church or school choir, talent show, or competition from 4 years old up until I graduated junior college in `06. 21 years. I have a degree now in Music: Vocal and Performance. Over my bed now I have a bunch of 1st place trophies from competitions, old music on my bookshelf from statewide and national choirs I was a part of in middle & high school that I had to audition for. Sight-reading, vocal lessons, piano lessons, all that shit.. I did it for 21 years. Guess where all of that is going? Nowhere. Not because I tried and it didn't work out, but because one day I decided I didn't want to do it anymore. Even now people catch me singing to myself in the hallways at my job or singing my students to sleep and stop me and ask why the fuck I'm not doing anything with it, and I just shrug. I don't know.
Folks stay telling me I should do radio or have my own TV show, or at least audition for a reality show. I missed out on an internship with V-103 in promotions because I was planning to move to Allentown, Pennsylvania to be with my (ex)fiance. I avoided studio time offered to me because he had problems with me being around a bunch of dudes. Now that I've been single for 4 years those kinds of opportunities don't come up anymore, and I'm not really pursuing it. Why? I don't know.
lol. I really don't know.
I supposed a part of me knows how fragile and trusting I still am. I don't take being fucked over well. The industry is coooold-blooded, boy. I know.
I don't know.
I'm an award-winning essayist and poet. I won money in high school because of my writing. Top in my school in Language Arts, Reading, and English. Plaques all in my room. Meetings with famous poets and authors, wanting to be my mentor. Wanting me to write books, or at the very least get into journalism as a freelance writer. I settled for this lil' ol' blog. Why?
I don't know.
I'm starting to wonder what my life would be like if I had taken those kinds of opportunities up years ago. Where I would be now. What I would be doing.
Would I still be regular? I don't know.
One thing I DO know is that God makes no mistakes. If I'm where I am now it's because it's in His plan and I have to trust in it, and because of that I have no regrets. There's gotta be a message in these things I'm feeling. There must be something bigger waiting! -Big Boi voice-
And if there is, where is it? And how the hell do I get to it?
Shit, I don't know.
For now, a couple pieces of me are still empty.
Anyone else every feel this way?