My Heart's Broken.. A Little Bit.

Still slightly disturbed due to a number of events that have transpired so far this summer.. coupled with these conflicting feelings I have about myself. This summer's been fun so far. I've spent a lot of time floating around Atlanta as part of the nightlife. Running amok and acting a damn fool with my friends. Drinking and dancing the night away. Good times.


On the other hand, I find myself constantly being hit with these comments here and there based on how I've been spending my summer, and I just don't seem to understand. I've written blogs similar to this before but I guess because I drink and party I'm also automatically supposed to be a whore or groupie or golddigger.. or a "golddigging groupie whore." I dunno. Thus.. unwifeable? Somebody hit me with a tweet the other day saying that I couldn't possibly be celibate because I drink too much. My immediate response was "HUH?!" because I couldn't figure out if it was a serious statement or not, but it made me wonder how many other folks thought of me that way.


That bothered me.


I want to say, for the record, that drinking does not equal sex. Not for me anyway. It gets my body loose, but not necessarily my pussy. When I drink I definitely speak my mind more. I've been told I'm more willing to get physical when I feel disrespected, which I DO think is a bad thing and I need to work on that. OH.. and I also dance my ass off and don't give a fuck who's watching.


I spoke to a friend not too long ago who said to me that I was definitely girlfriend material.. "beyond" girlfriend material at that. However, my actions don't match what's going on deep within my mind and my heart. Because I don't act in ways that uplift that I just end up looking.. well, ratchet. Truth be told, this person is one of the only people to have really tapped into that deep part of me.. and cared to know what's going on. So MY issue with that is.. if nobody really cares to know that part of me, then they'll NEVER see that part of me anyway.


That bothered me too.


I'm a party person, but I'm also pretty deep, but mafukkas don't wanna hear that deep shit. And real shit all these men care about nowadays is whether or not girls are fun.. and/or what that pussy lookin like. NOT saying I conform to the demand of the men around me (NEVER).. I'm saying that for those that care to know the deeper sides of me.. it's there. ALWAYS. For a man to tap into whenever he feels like it.. but how can I give it when no one wants it?


And on top of all of that, another issue I have with that is I'M SINGLE!! I'm nobody's girl so why should I act like I'm wifed up when I'm not? IF I was wifed up I would tone WAY down. My friends would probably hate me, but it is what it is, because now I have this man that I have to respect. But.. right now I don't have one of those, so as long as I respect myself I should be able to do whatever the hell I want, right?


I've burned a few bridges this summer simply because all I wanted to do was make everyone happy. The thing is, I can't continue to try and please everyone. I've tried to show as much love as possible to everyone in my life that I care about.. and it always seem to backfire. I KNOW YOU TALK ABOUT ME. My name has been dragged through the mud around Atlanta and probably beyond. For God's sake folks talk shit about me BECAUSE I'm always there to help out.. like I'm just being used like some little flunky. Being pimped out for favors and shit. To that, this is what I have to say:


There has NEVER.. EVER.. been a time when I've done something for someone and expected something in return. I do favors and I'm there for people out of the goodness of my heart. Because I want to be there for people that need me. I NEVER ask for shit in return and I never GET shit back in return either.. and I don't care!! YES "Essence will do it" because I care.. and that's it!


It's like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" kinda year for me.


Geez.. like seriously it's gotten to a point where I'm second-guessing myself. Feel like I'm going crazy.


I'd be lying if I said my feelings weren't really hurt by all of this, though. You broke my heart a little bit.

Comments

  1. i think you should only try to make yourself happy. You will most likely not meet mr. right at a club so to hell with the men there as for friends, they should be ashamed of themselves b/c as a friend they are obligated to know you truly and deeply.

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  2. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

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