The problem with social media is, people tend to give you mostly the good or the bad stuff that's going on in their lives, depending on the type of attention they want (or need). Even if you try and balance out the good and the bad, people are still going to make assumptions about your life that aren't true to the life you're actually living.
So I'm one of those people that try to balance things on social media. I don't want people thinking I'm living the perfect life because I'm not. I don't want people to think my life is miserable because it's not.
|"OMG I posted a sad quote now everybody is gonna think me and Sidney broke up 😭"|
I say all of that to say.. for the most part everything in my life is going well. I just got the last room in my house rented, and we are in the process of searching for another property to rent in Cali. Health insurance, all of that is taken care of. Money is no longer the huge issue it once was.
However, right now there is a major conflict going on in my head. I'm having a problem sorting things out in my own mind.
I want to blog about it because I know how little people speak openly about mental health, and I want people to know that it is real. It's beyond health and eating habits. It's beyond prayer. It's beyond "it's all gonna be alright."
It's really hard feeling like you want to escape, but you have no idea what you're even trying to run away from. Hell even if I did know I couldn't run if I wanted to. My presence means too much to people.
Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck just.. existing. I felt dead at work and now I'm realizing that I still feel dead today. The calm is there.. the peace.. but there's no fulfillment. My son is so happy and incredibly smart and I credit that to having both of his parents around literally every second of every day helping him to learn and develop. I love my son and I love my family but I just need a fxcking break, in all honesty. The little things that I loved to do for fun in my spare time don't happen anymore since I became a mother. Rarely, anyway.
It's like I'm walking this path with this huge backpack on full of bricks. Like everyone is cruising next to me in a fancy RV. Every once in awhile someone will come off and take a few bricks out, but they always put them back. Sometimes they'll even let me on the RV for an hour or so, but then I gotta put the backpack on and get off again.
|Pictured: anxiety, exhaustion, stress, depression, anxiety, nausea, fear, resentment, irritation, and also anxiety.|
Like I get relief here and there but I'm still
SO yea.. feeling a little mentally sick right now.
I also want to stress how much my resigning from work has nothing to do with this. Leaving work is a serious blessing because work would have made this way worse.
I think the largest part of all this has to do with my ongoing issue with identity. I was never 100% sure of who I was. I grew up constantly moving, so I was constantly adapting to the world around me in order to fit in with that crowd. In adulthood, I find myself just doing what everybody else wants to do in order to please everyone else. It's second nature to me now.
Before becoming pregnant, I thought I was at least on the right track to pinning down an identity. I had this career I was working on, a group of friends, goals.. and when I got overwhelmed I could take some time for myself and do the things I enjoyed doing to give me that serenity. Chile NOT ANYMORE.
2015 was the game changer. My life changed so fast that I don't think I had time to adjust. I realized that things I thought I was content with (namely work) were actually major stressors and, in fact, was another instance of me doing things I thought were "right" because they looked good to everyone else.
So here I am again trying to figure out what is really "right" for me. What truly makes me happy? What aspects of myself do I need to let go? What parts of me that I abandoned should I let return (if any)? What is right and what is wrong? Then something comes outta left field like
Am I a bad mom? Am I being selfish?
Should I accept the misery, pick up the backpack and keep on walking?
Who the fxck am I?
Who the fxck would I be if I didn't give a fxck about what everyone else thinks?
I still don't know.
But what I do know is that none of the things I'm doing now are making me happy. They're bringing me PEACE, which I am grateful for, but I haven't found the happy yet.
The craziest part of all of this for me is, after writing all of this out and reading it a few times, I actually feel way better. It's reminding me of why I started blogging in the first place. It's my therapy. All those years of journals and poetry.. they were written because I had all these thoughts and no one to listen. Making them public brings me a sense of relief. Like I'm venting and somebody is out there listening, unbiased and uninterrupted.
Whether I get 1 view or 1 million, just the THOUGHT of one person reading this and thinking "I feel you" helps me out.
SO, if you've made it this far, know that you are appreciated, whether you understand where I'm coming from or not. Just by reading, you have helped to keep me out of the insane asylum.