Tired.





Today, I am tired.

Tired of being the first and the last to know.

Tired of breaking every single vertebrae in my back trying to be someone else's

Cab

Bank

Counselor

Journal

Support System.

I've run out of back to break.

Tired of feeling the pain of those I love: friends & family AND everyone else.

Tired of crying everyone's tears as well as my own.

I'm just sick and fucking tired of living right now.

Sick of exhausting myself trying to please every single person in my life only to have everyone treat me like a piece of shit anyway.

Treated like the bad guy after doing good deeds my whole FUCKING life.

I'm tired of feeling like anything but an awesome friend.

A woman who is to be respected.

Someone with a heart who wants to love and be loved.

I'm tired of me bringing things onto myself.

Tired of allowing myself to be a dirty carpet

A stepping stool

A ladder

A toilet

A hand to jack off with.

I'm SICK.

When I try to live for me I become public enemy #1.

Why?

Why, God?

I have to keep running and escaping and going to extremes to find temporary happiness.

Whyyyy

I know I'm no saint but I also know I'm not what everyone thinks I am.

At the end of the day I just want to be Essence and live for Essence and save the world and be appreciated for my efforts, not solely condemned for the times I've failed.

Life is so hard. It's not supposed to be this hard. It's just NOT. I don't get it. I really don't.

I can't remember the last time I've shed tears but inside there's an absolute flood. Gotta continue smiling because when I have a genuine problem, no one is there to listen.

But that's okay, for God makes no mistakes. Maybe no one is supposed to.

Something's gotta give, though. Cuz I am TIRED.

I am broken.. and I haven't been like this in a long time.

I thought I had picked up all of the pieces that had chipped & fallen & trailed behind me all my life.

But I guess not.

Round of applause for you, everybody.

If you all wanted me to be unhappy again, you got it.




Comments

  1. God will help you through....Just keep praying & I'm doing the same for you :)

    ReplyDelete

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